The Ramblings and Rantings - A Life Unreal, Well, Mostly...
2026-07-20 - Italian Restaurant Wars Break out near the Hall
Italian restaurant wars in Farkham area. The Sicilian Platter, run by Enrico Coali has placed a complaint with local food health authorities against his competitor, Sam Manella from Neopolitan Nibbles, claiming that everything there was touched by Salmonella.In the meantime, a counter-accusation was ssued by Sam Manella that the Sicillian platter was contaminated with E. Coali. There had been bad feeling beteen the two men since Sam moved to the locality of the Hall and opened up his restaurant. Prior to that Enrico was the only Italian food outlet this side of Far Kington. Competition had been fierce and not altogether fair for many years.
Coincidentally, Betalain and Valerian Donton, the new inherited owners of Ewesmoor Ink had been seen eating at both establishments over recent weeks while they visited the works. This new-found amicability between the two was cut short by Betalain being carted off to hospital with suspected food poisoning. This led to an intensification of claim and counter-claim between the two restaurateurs, who were carrying out an open campaign in the local press.
In the light of Mr Donton's worsening condition, public health inspectors were called in from Far Kington to inspect both premises for possible causes. After a lengthy investigation, it came to light that both complainants had been working on circumstantial evidence, having been told by third parties that the organisms had been present. It turned out that what was being mentioned were the names of the two persons concerned.
The condition of Betalain Donton continues to worry doctors at Far Kington General. His sister, Valerian told reporters from Tintern Pravda that she was fearful for his life and that she couldn't face running the traditional pigmentation works without him and, choking back tears, revealed that the works may have to be sold.Get More Information or copy the link to this article.
2026-07-03 - Eternum in Excretia Solo Profundis Variat
Regarding, the ancient family motto, which is in genuine fake Latin by the way, I am often asked if this has too strong a negative connotation, translating as it does to 'Always in the poo, only the depth varies'. However, far fromm being a negative, this phrase is responsible in a big way for everything the family has had. Proud use of it has been passed down over many generations since 1427 when the first squire, the future Squire Farkham, oringally a Cess Pool Cleaner won the Hall and his title in a game of dice.
Being an enterprising chap, Fychan Hall, known locally as 'Vilepong' was an early exponenet of 'Negative to Positive' advertising, coining the distasteful slogan in order to attract new clients to his cess pit cleaning endeavours. It was hard work, smelly and socially unrewarding, but even that long ago, he realised that there are only two ways to make a living; you can either do what others can't do for themselves, or you can do that which others do not wish to do.
Since then, we have treasured such humble beginnings, believing that it it wereen't for shit, we would still be in the gutter. The local tavern in thoses days stood on the spot of our current pub, without its current benefit of high ceilings and big windows. In that dark and dingy setting, covered in the fruits of his daily toil, he won the round of dice when the other players could not get close enough to see that he was lying about his score.
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2025-12-11 - Ewesmoor Ink - The Beginnings of a Traditional Local Industry
During the Roman occupation off Britain, The area around the site on which the Hall now stands was a hotbed of commerce. One example was the area around Potter's Knob where in addition to the finest china clay, the Romans under their financially astute governor, Titus Aduxass, sourced many naturally occurring mineral and botanical pigments. These were exported throughout the Empire giving artisans the materials to pigment murals, mosaics and documents. Many of which have stood the test of time and still retain the vibrant colours and good contrast lovingly instilled into them over 2000 years ago.Furthrmore, the surrounding area sported lush grass which the sheep turned into highly prized wool, milk and meat. This earned the area the name "Palus Ovis", roughly translates to "Ewe's Moor", a name which has persisted to this day, most recently applied to the farm that now encompasses this riverside tract of land as well as the hill, Potter's Knob.
In the 1950s the farm was bought by the eminent geologist, Professor H.A.R. Donton, discoverer of the rare earth element, hardontonite. The professor had little interest in sheep so since then has rented the farm land to tenant farmers. His focus was mainly on the naturally occurring pigments, which he started to market through his new company, Ewesmoor Ink.
Since then, the business has gone from strength to strength, supplying not only inks for printing, calligraphy and public record keeping, but also specialist historical decorative formats such as distemper, limewash and bespoke wallpapers. The name has become a watchword for those involved in historic or listed building restoration as well as modern decorators looking for a finish redolent of past times.
Obtaining the licence to distribute pigments with heavy metal or other toxic content was the first major obstacle, but being an eminent professor, putting in place the necessary measures for safety and security was relatively straightforward. Handling materials like cinnabar, orpiment, realgar, Sheele's Green, Naples yellow or chromate requires great caution as heavy metal toxins have a cumulative effect that may go unnoticed until it is too late.
Obviously, the good professor's methods kept him safe as he lived to the ripe old age of 96 before passing away peacefully earlier this year. The beneficiaries of his will, his twin children Betalain and Valerian inherit the farm, mineral rights and company. According to his solicitor, Mr U Fercough of Fercough, Effingham and Korhampton, the condition of his will was that the business must continue as it is while both offspring survive. Both are living away from the area currently, so hopes are high that they will return and continue the business which has brought a fair bit of prosperity to the area.Get More Information or copy the link to this article.
2025-01-06 - Did an ancient jester here at the Hall inspire Jim Morrison?
Professor Handel Morgan arrived at my office today with a manuscript, which, he claims gave the doors inspiration for one of their greatest songs. Aparently written by a 16th century jester known for his aggressive stance, Ed Bangher, the document contains the lyrics for his song "Come on Baby, Fight my Lyre". The scroll is currently being examined by experts at Farkham University (FU), who will report in due course.Get More Information or copy the link to this article.
2024-12-19 - Christmas Card Address Tickles Post Ted
I came in this morning to find an uncharacteristically jolly Post Ted at his window. Tted runs the mailroom here at the Halll and while I am not one to cast aspersions on his everyday demeanour, there is a strong rumour that the last time he laughed was at the Michael Fish broadcast of 1981 to calm a lady over her concerns for a hurricane.When I asked him what was so funny, he showed me some Christmas card envelopes that had been delivered by hand from a local supplier earlier on. We have three people called Nick working here, all from different countries, and I guess the sender couldn't remember their surnames&achellip;Get More Information or copy the link to this article.
2023-01-25 - It's a Wicked World in the Candle Business
It is always a matter of great joy to see a new business join us in the Old Stable Block workshops. Even more so in such troubled times, with the state of the nation being uncertain and publuc confidence running at a low ebb.
This week, we welcome Sally and Champagne to the Farkham Hall family with their business It's a Wicked World, manufacturing and selling scented candles to personal callers and through their online shop, all over the world. They promise us some interesting scents 'With the Adult Touch' for all occasions, using the slogan "Wax Lyrical - Say it with Candles"
Unfortunately, Ivor Parrish, the Appallingvicarbastard of the Farkhams seems to have taken umbrage and is objecting to just about everything he can find to do with their business. He has set out to blockade their premises, handing out hastily printed leaflets which spew religious vitriol in a tirade against the 'unnatural', 'unholy', 'pornographic' and 'inflammatory' nature of the enterprise.
So far, it seems to be creating more interest in the shop and driving customers through the door, thinking that he is a part of the promotion, but Ivor Parrish, the appallingvicarbastard of the Farkhams has vowed not to leave until this blot is expunged from our commercial landscape, or Sunday morning just in time for collection at St Olav the Ignominious, whichever comes sooner.
In an effort to smooth over the disturbance, Dimitri gathered all parties concerned together at a meeting to clear the air and create a basis for understanding that can satisfy all parties. Don't ask me, he's been reading those American management books again. Present at the meeting were the two business principals, Sally Fawth and Champagne Hyde-Parke, Ivor Parrish, the appallingvicarbastard of the Farkhams and of course, Dimitri himself.
In welcoming one and all, opening the meeting, Dimitri commented on Champagne's name, calling it unusual and poetic. She thanked him and explained that she had chosen it herself, being drawn from the reason behind and the location of her conception. At this point, Ivor Parrish, the appallingvicarbastard of the Farkhams, already a little hot under the collar turned a particularly unattractive shade of puce and positively bellowed "See? Even their names are an insult to decency and godliness". "I'm surprised you didn't choose the name 'Raleigh' after the bike your father rode off on afterwards!". Champagne smiled and commented that it was an interesting proposition. However, had her father ridden off on a bike, it would undoubtedly have been a Holdsworth from their exclusive shop on the Upper Richmond Road. At that time, there were just no finer rides to be had, apart she smiled again, from her mother…
With some difficulty, Dimitri called the meeting back to order and managed to get enough of Ivor Parrish the appallingvicarbastard of the Farkhams' attention to stop him twitching. He then made the mistake of asking the reverend gentleman to explain exactly what it is about the busines that he found so objectionable. It was as though he had lifted the lid of Pandora's box. After several minutes of diatribe against everything unholy about two women sharing their lives, through scents debasing the holy rituals involving candles, to the sexual stimulation to which the scented air they produced would doubtless lead to just about everything short of Soddom and Gomorrah shortlyh followed by Armageddon.
Eventually, he came to their shop sign "It's pornographic, disgusting and will incite children to experiment with sex before they are 35!". Sally Fawth quietly asked "How so?". "Look at it! Just look at it!". Ivor Parrish, the appallingvicarbastard of the Farkhams skin was losing the battle to stay puce and rapidly turning red. "You only have to glance to see that it is directly modelled on male genitalia, and not only that but erect too!". Champagne Hyde-Parke smiled again "Well, obviously, I will have to bow to your far greater experience of seeing such things. What is in the sign is a group of candles, we make candles, nothing else. I would suggest that you take a look inside your own head before making judgements. As in the spoken word, a 'Double Entendre' has nothing to do with the speaker, everything to do with the listener.". More smiles from Champagne and the words "It would seem that what you are seeing vicar, is the embodiment of your own perversion in a perfectly innocent sign outside our business. Your interest in, and experience of male genitalia is obviously far greater than that of either Sally or I. Now go home and put your own house in order."
Dimitri was in two minds over whether to hide under the desk or 'accidentally' trip the fire alarm to avoid the reaction of Ivor Parrish, the appallingvicarbastard of the Farkhams. However, it didn't come, there was no eruption, no hell fire and brimstone response. The vicar simply gathered his papers with the words "If you are going to revive those old accusations, I would remind you that the Church Council completely exonerated me, and my Bishop at the time. If it is mentioned again, you will be hearing from my solicitor." and left the room.
Neither Dimitri, Sally nor Champagne had the faintest idea of what he spoke, but at least there is another new business in the Old Stables that can carry on normally now.
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2022-12-22 - Bishop Jailed for Arson!
Now that the case is no longer sub judice, we can reveal the outcome of the fire at last year's camp and cook out held by local scouts for their counterparts from Old Bishops Fancy. When the preliminary report was issued by Deputy Chief Fire Officer, Lyndon Bridge from Stopham Burning, it showed that the cause was not faulty wiring courtesy of the assumed incompetence of Paul Watt-Cable who installed the lighting and barbecues.
Admittedly, the report did point to contributory negligence on the part of Major Farr-Coope and Dimitri's Old Country contacts for providing and applying a wood preserver that was in itself an accellerant, likely to promote fird. However, that is more of an issue for them to take up with their insurers, than the actual root cause of the blazes.
It comes out in the report that in the roof space of the temporary accommodation block that caught fire first, directly below the seat of the blaze, some traces of a wax mixture were found. On analysis, the proportion of paraffin wax to soy and beeswax was exactly the same as those found in the Church of St Olav the Ignominious, in fact every church in the Diocese of Farkham, Upham, Rogerham and Upper Self, as they are purchased centrally and distributed to the churches on request.
But what does that have to do with the Potymouth fire? Well, it seems that DCFO, sorry, DBM (The Fire Service has rebranded the ranks. I guess they didn't like the FO on the end of the abbreviation). I digress, Deputy Brigade Manager Lyndon Bridge had gone on to demonstrate how a relatively simple device could be constructed to light a candle when something else was turned on. This in turn would burn slowly, leaving the culprit time to clear the scene before setting fire to any flammable material placed above it. In this case, it was the wiring installed by Mr Watt-Cable and then the roof beams, all treated with nicely flammable Pentachlorophenol in No2 fuel oil.
While this looked very suspicious, there was nothing more to tie the blaze to any one suspect. Meanwhile on inspection of the Potyford fire site, DBM Bridge found evidence that the barbecue to be used by the scouts had been tampered with. Being a gas unit with a piezo quarts ignition device, hastily assembled the afternoon of the event, it may have been negligence, if not for the discovery of a small hole, neatly made in the gas hose, near to the top, with a small piece of wire, shorting out the piezo unit to a nearby piece of bare metal. From this it once again became clear that the much-maligned Mr Watt-Cable was not to blame. This was a deliberate act!
Suspicion immediately fell on Ivor Parrish, the appallingvicarbastard of the Farkhams, who had been at both fire sites on the evening in question. However, it was witnessed that the Reverend Parrish had been in full view at all times, so wasn't absent in either scene for long enough to set up such a trick. Before the event, he was engaged in choir practice for the afternoon's community singalong. It seems that the appallingvicarbastard was not the culprit.
In a breakthrough moment, the forensic scientists examining the scenes found a small disc of pink rubber embedded in a characteristic footprint, which also contained traces of the wax mixture found at the Potymouth scene. At last! Evidence to tie one person to both scenes with the materials that were being blamed for both blazes. So, what was so characteristic about the footprint? Well, it seems like the shoes involved in making it were a particularly expensive hand made type only available from 'You Shoes' in Rogerham, just around the corner from the Cathedral of St Pendulus the Hung (named after the manner of his martyrdom in 1142AD). Coincidentally, this is the home church of Bishop Ian Flagrante-Delicto. Things were starting to add up in the mind of Sergeant Constable of the local station. He dispatched Constable Sargent to the church armed with the scientists' report to see what was afoot.
Ah yes, the foot that wore that shoe leaving the print was what made it distinctive. The wearer favoured the outside of the foot, leaving characteristic wear marks on the soles and creating a characteristic footprint. All that was needed was to match this up with the walking characteristics of a suspect, and the fly was in the trap. Excitedly, Inspector Sargent called Deputy Commissioner Tickette, his predecessor to warn of a likely high-profile arrest in the Potymouth Arson Affair. "You had better be right" warned Deputy Commissioner Tickette, "As if this goes wrong, your son won't be the only Constable Sargent on the force…"
Constable Sargent was waiting in the cathedral when the Bishop arrived. Looking at a particular candle on the altar, which was at least twice the length of its fellows, the Constable turned to watch the Bishop limp the length of the aisle. "Hurt your leg?" enquired Constable Sargent. The Bishop replied that it was an old injury sustained while playing rugger at ecclesiastical college. "Looks painful" the Constable went on. "Does it make you favour the outside of your foot?". The Bishop looked a bit strained and shuffled a bit before answering in the affirmative. PC Sargent produced a plaster cast from the bag he was carrying "Does it make you leave footprints like this?". "Perhaps we could have a look at your shoes?". "And this candle seems to have been replaced way ahead of the others around it, is that normal?". Faced with too many questions at once, and forgetting to maintain an air of innocence, the Bishop turned and bolted toward the heavy cathedral doors.
If only he had known that in his new role, replacing Colin Allcars, Ray Dio had contacted the police stations at Upham and Upper Self, so that when he wrenched the doors open, the only thing the Bishop saw was a wall of blue serge. After a brief struggle, he was helped into the first car and driven away. After that, the assembly of evidence supported a cast iron case and in front of Justice Way-Home, despite the best efforts of his counsel, Mr Petty himself of Small & Petty Solicitors in Far Kington, the Bishop's defence crumbled and he was found guilty.
Bishop Ian Flagrante-Delicto has been remanded in custody for six weeks pending sentence at the next Farkshire County Assizes. Keep an eye out for up to date reports in Tintern Pravda.
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Newsletter Items from December, 2022
Season's Greetings from Farkham Hall
With all good wishes for a peaceful, happy Christmas, Yule, Hannukkah, Bodhi Day, Pancha Ganapati, Hogswatch, or whatever you celebrate at this time of year. Thank you for all your help and support through 2022, we have ambitious plans for 2023 and look forward to working with you more when the new year comes.
However, for us the next few days will be taken up with celebrating wildly, over-indulging and observing all the other December customs. Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we diet!
Catch you on the flip-side!
2022-12-02 - British United Republican Party Manifesto Item for Peaceful, Harmonious Coexistence
Target: Preventing offensive complainants from dividing society. Creating peaceful, harmonious co-existence.
Affected Group: Those who buy a house next to a race circuit that was there before they were born, then try to close it down by complaining about noise. Likewise, those who move to the country and complain about noise and smell from the farms that produce their food.
Proposal: Anyone purchasing a property adjacent or close to a facility that existed before they arrived, and who subsequently complains about the activities at that facility, will have a compulsory purchase order placed upon their house. This will be at the minimum market value agreed by a parliamentary committee made up of motorcycle racers, car racers, farmers and shooting club members.
On completion of the compulsory purchase, the property in question will be converted to apartments, let out on a free of charge basis to struggling racers and agricultural employees. All removal costs for those are to be met by the outgoing incumbents.
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2022-11-17 - From Pryttisk Abbey to the Church of St. Olav the Ignominious
We haven't heard from Professor Handel Morgan for a while, so it was a refreshing catch up when he dropped into the Hall yesterday to see me.
While his search for the final resting place of Owain Glyndwr goes on, he believes that he has come up with some interesting information relating to the history and naming of our local church, St. Olav the Ignominious.
His team, along with researchers from HerrDoktorProfessor Kurt Nappink's party believe they have found relics and remains on what used to be an island before the re-routing of the river Poty and the draining of the levels. Ancient documents suggest that in the 6th-8th centuries, this was called Grenehoos Island. At the time of the Viking invasion of the area surrounding the landmark hill, Potter's Knob there was an Abbey with some 1500 monks there under the care of Abbot Fr. Thom.
The monks led a peaceful life, tending the abbey gardens, fishing and hawking for their subsistence, trading any surpluses in nearby villages for the needs that weren't met by what they could grow or catch.
When the Vikings arrived, they immediately saw the strategic value of the island and invaded it, killing most of the monks, enslaving the others. Thom did all he could by peaceful means to save his monks but was brutally beheaded on the abbey steps, earning him martyrdom in the Catholic ways of the time. Later he was canonised and is now remembered as St. Thom, Martyr of Grenehoos.
The island was renamed 'Pryttisk' by the Vikings, meaning 'Pressure', as it allowed them to squeeze any enemies attacking by river through a very narrow passage, which they could turn into a killing ground.
So it remained for centuries, even long after the conversion of Erkik Blookaxe to Christianity. However, in the time of Balbaag the Grey, trade and commerce were becoming more important than conquest in the Viking ranks and the elders saw the value in using religion to break down barriers with trading partners. Thus the Abbey was reinstated and a new Abbot, Olav was appointed to oversee Pryttisk Abbey.
It would seem that Olav was not a very nice man at all and while his outward conversion to Christianity was observed by all, it was held in some circles that he was still faithful to the Old Gods and was working to undermine the work of the Abbey. Eventually, it all became too much. Every morning he would force the monks to make their devotions while walking barefoot on the rocky paths while carrying out ritual self-flagellation. This led to conditions known locally as 'Pryttisk Abbey Foot' and 'Pryttisk Abbey Back'.
One morning, resentment spilled out into anger and a group of monks beat Olav to death in a dispute over the quality of their porridge. The belief in the Church of the time was that these were not really monks but Viking Berserkers sent on a mission to murder Olav so that he could be replaced with someone more palatable.
Professor Morgan cited a document he had found, an early attempt at a population census in the nearby village of Ham. This showed that an 'Olav' was born in the area at about the right time, 1048ad. No further mention is made of him in the 'Roll of Ham', and there are no mentions of him in any other documents until his murder in 1182.
A few years later, to appease local dissenters and to prove his continued faith to the descendents of Erik Bloodaxe, Balbaag the Grey commenced the building of a church on a parcel of land a little away from the river, and as believed by Professor Morgan, very close to the site of our current church. Olav was canonised in retrospect as a martyr but nobody could recall anything that he had done or said, so he became for all time St. Olav the Ignominious.
Pryttisk Abbey continued until it was razed to the ground during Henry VIII's dissolution of the monasteries and the church was seized for the new Church of England. Recognising the value of wool revenues in the area, Henry spared the church, putting a puppet in the pulpit to keep the locals under control.
And thus it has remained for over 500 years now, although many would argue that Ivor Parrish, the Appallingvicarbastard of the Farkhams is more a muppet than a puppet. I can't wait to share Professor Morgan's findings with him.
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2022-11-15 - Release of another item from the British United Republican Party Manifesto
BURP Manifesto Item 7
Target: Improving patient care by reducing the anxiety of key staff in NHS hospitals.
Affected Group: All close to patient staff in the NHS.
Proposal: To implement urgent action, not a review, not a resolution, not a meeting or a five year programme, but action to improve the lot of those who deliver care in the NHS. This must include an immediate increase in salary for nurses, doctors, domestic and maintenance staff, with a built in programme of increment to keep them ahead of inflation, out of debt and free from financial worry to let them focus on the job in hand unfettered.
Additionally, the cost of attending the place of work must be addressed immediately. By setting aside free parking areas in hospital car parks for staff, access controlled by transponders to prevent queueing, a major burden of cost can be removed from the staff. To encourage greener transportation, free travel passes must be issued to encourage all staff members to leave the car at home, which would also have an impact on car park congestions.
Catering for staff must be addressed too. By removing the stranglehold of outside suppliers from this equation, a great benefit can be offered to staff. By re-implementing staff dining areas, operated by NHS employees for NHS employees, costs can be managed in order to offer affordable at-work dining for all concerned. Varying levels of discount can be applied to staff depending on their salary grade and ability to pay. We propose to start off with a base cost for all items and by the use of swipe cards, bill monthly for use with the following discounts applied:
Nurses, domestic staff: 100%
Junior doctors, housemen 70%
Consultants, surgeons, anaeshtetists: 50%
Hospital middle management will not qualify for use of the staff restaurant.
How will this be paid for? Always a good question. By making all middle management staff redundant, creating new multi-faceted roles to cust waste by 50%, then allowing redundant management staff to re-apply for the new, combined roles. By this expedient and capping the salary scale for senior managers to £150,000pa, we envisage a saving of £2Bn per annum. That would more than pay for the upgrades for functional staff within the service.
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2022-11-13 - BURP Manifesto Targets the Two-Party Stranglehold
BURP Manifesto Item 3
Target: Parliamentary votes being manipulated for party purposes rather than the best interest of the country
Affected Groups: Members of Parliament
Proposal: For many years now, anyone with eyes and ears has been able to see and hear that the two party system of government is geared up to score 'points' over the opposing view so that yours holds sway, regardless of whether the outcome of any decisions reached benefits the country as a whole or not.
Our proposal is to dismantle the stranglehold of power that the two party system currently wields over the House of Commons by removing the party whips in the run up to a parliamentary vote, then collecting the opinions of members via a secret ballot.
It is believed that this will allow all members to vote according to their conscience rather than simply toeing the party line.
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2022-11-12 - Shaky start for the latest business to locate in our old stables
We are pleased this month to welcome another new business to the converted stable block at the Hall. New to us that is, as Sonny Carbury can trace his taxidermy business back three generations so it is a matter of great pride to us that he has chosen to re-locate his business here.
Sonny was not so pleased with Google after his first enquiry call came in though. It seems he may have been on the wrong end of a voice activated search. He explained that the phone rang this morning and this was the gist of the conversation.
"Good morning, we would like to make a booking please, two chicken and two lamb". "Certainly" replied Sonny. "When would you like to bring them in?". "Two pm would be best for us, can you fit us in?". "Most certainly, we will be here all day, will you be bringing the beasts with you?". "Beasts? What do you mean beasts? We will be bringing my mother and father!". "Your parents? I thought you said two chickens and two lambs."
Getting a little tetchy, the caller went on; "Yes, my parents, who want stuffing, so we asked for chicken. My wife and I also want stuffing but with lamb please.". "Hold on just one moment there. I don't do humans. Chicken and Lamb yes but not parents. Are you sick or something?". Now virtually exploding with rage, the caller yelled "Sick? Who are you calling sick? I know that stuffing with lamb is not conventional but hardly sick.". Sonny was getting seriously worried now, as he normally stuffed with straw, not lamb. "Now, I don't think we are on the same page here, do you seriously want me to stuff your parents?". "Of course not, are you stupid? All we want is a Sunday Carvery, chicken for my parents with plenty of stuffing and lamb for my wife and I, with which we would also like stuffing. Now can you or can you not accommodate us at 2pm on Sunday."
Sonny was quiet for a moment, rather shaken from the conversation so far, he tentatively asked why this person had called him for such a request. "Because when I asked Google to recommend a Sunday Carvery, your number came up."
Tempted to recommend elocution lessons or the purchase of a better sound system for their computer, Sonny patiently explained that he wasn't in the catering business and that Google had given him an incorrect lead, recommended that they try the Amble Inn and hung up, his head spinning with images of car loads of dead parents being stuffed with lamb. He poured himself a stiff drink and tried to blot it all out.
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2022-10-28 - British United Republican Party Manifesto Part 1
BURP Manifesto Item 2
Target: Unemployment and homelessness
Affected Groups: Long term unemployed, unemployed youth, homeless people
Proposal: A re-introduction of a form of National Service. Not the type where uniforms are worn and marching up and down is carried out, but a more community-focused model. In areas where depression is rife and much viable housing stock is standing empty and deteriorating, or there are abandoned public buildings, military barracks et., we propose to assemble co-operatives of hitherto unemployed and homeless people. Each co-operative would have a leadership team of skilled craftsmen and designers, comprising a number of unemployed young people, homeless people and refugees. The group would be employed by the government and they would work together to restore the selected empty buildings in the area.
In exchange, they would be provided with a wage sufficient for their subsistence, all materials would be provided and when the jobs are complete, they would be given the option to stay on and occupy a place there, or to move on with the co-operative to a new project. Accommodation for the duration of the project would be provided.
We envisage this programme offering a short term solution to unemployment and homelessness with long term benefits to those affecte by these twin modern evils. Local communities would benefit as it would bring a small but steady influx of new people into their local shops, cafes and lives.
The participants would be able to learn new, practical skills to suit their preference and natural aptitude, bringing a longer term supply of trade skills into depressed areas. As new residents, their presence, skills and business would re-vitalise otherwise flagging communities.
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2022-09-30 - Duncan DeSordelie and the birth of the British Unionist Republican Party
Another neighbour of French extraction popped in to see me the other day. OK, the DeSordelie family didn't come over with William the Conqueror like the Rexions but they have still been here long enough to consider themselves British first, French second.
In fact, before losing his head in the revolution, the Baron DeSordelie was a prominent member of the noblesse de robe in the Second Estate of French aristocracy, an ennoblement bestowed on him by no less a person than Louis Seize, in recognition of his services to the court.
After his death, the family was in disarray, a number of them escapted to Britain and settled close to here, leaving behind the grandeur of Château DeSordelie in favour of more modest but much safer quarters in the grounds of what is now Upham Hall Estate.
The Château fell into disrepair and the ruins, shown are a very sorry sight these days.
With that sort of ancestry, it was hardly surprising to hear that the most recent head of the family is making a foray into British politics. Duncan Desordelie was full of fire and fervour as he told me of his plans to break down the two party system and the elite that have held the country to ransom for so long. His entirely new organisation, the British Unionist and Republican Party was, he avowed going to be the new broom that sweeps clean the corridors of power in this country.
I couldn't help asking if Dimitri had been involved in the naming of the party at all. Duncan enthusiastically appraised me that my Russian friend had been involved since the outset, naming the party and will be acting as their press and public relations officer permanently. I wasn't surprised and am looking forward to seeing their manifesto.
2022-08-28 - Dimitri and Lo Phat Have their Day in Court
Irene Patricia Standing QC is one of the most respected District Judges active in our county. A tall, striking woman with penetrating eyes, sharp features and an even sharper mind. She takes her work and the responsibilities that go with it extremely seriously, expecting all concerned to follow suit.
Unbeknown to Dimitri and Lo Phat, this was going to be one of their greatest advantages in the matter of WaistWatchers Vs Lo Phat and VPL, in which the former sought substantial damages to compensate for distress of their members and loss of revenue, for which they blamed an advertising campain, branded "misleading" by the Advertising Standards Agency, thanks to Dimitri mixing up the words Lo Phat with Low Fat.
The case was being heard in Far Kington County Court. WaistWatchers' legal team were there in force as were members of the ASA staff, including the young researcher who had made the initial contact with Lo Phat and Dimitri, resulting in the "misleading" label being applied. Dimitri and Lo Phat were alone, representing themselves. As they could see little chance of escaping with anything less than a hefty compensation bill, they saw little reason to add legal fees to the overall cost.
The tide began to turn in their favour at a very early stage. It all began with the Court Usher bellowing out the words "The court will rise for I.P. Standing". This, apparently was too much for the young ASA researcher who let out a guffaw that could be heard throughout the court, just as Judge Standing prepared to take her seat. No words were exchanged but she fixed him with a glare that under certain circumstances could be fatal. With all the dignity her station afforded, Judge Standing called the court to order and asked for initial depositions from the two sides.
The WaistWatchers case rested on their belief that there had been a deliberate attempt to persuade customers that all the food was low fat when in fact it was just as high in fat as any comparable offerings. In their defence, Lo Phat and Dimitri used as mitigating circumstances the distance between them and the paucity of the telephone connection over which the information for advertising and product launch were arranged.
When the opportunity to interview Lo Phat arose, the very nicely dressed barrister acting for WaistWatchers aimed to prove the deliberate use of misleading language. "Your menu clearly states that all dishes are cooked with low fat, yet that proves not to be the case…" "That is simple printer error" began Lo Phat. "What I said to them was that all dishes are cooked BY Lo Phat". "It wasn't my fault!", he closed. The barrister continued "In fact, independent analysis shows your food to be particularly high fat." "No, definitely not. Hi Phat is my cousin and his restaurant miles away in Manchester. All food here is Lo Phat cooked.". The young researcher couldn't help sniggering again and got glared at again for his pains.
After a brief summing up, Judge I.P. Standing found in favour of the plaintiff, awarding a ten pound fine and both parties to pay their own legal costs, glaring at the young researcher throughout. Dimitri and Phat couldn't afford representation in the beginning, so shared the fine 50/50. Still with the ASA action relating to Dr F. Allgoode's Magic Fat Bullets to come, Dimitri left the court feeling a little better about the world, and rather hoping he may be up before I.P. Standing next time.
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2022-08-13 - Dr F Allgoode's Magic Fat Bullets
The first story of the residents of E. Rexion is a slightly queasy one, concerning another brush with the Advertising Standards Agency for Dimitri and one of his clients. If it wasn't bad enough that he is due to appear in court next month over the fiasco with the misinterpretation of Lo Phat's Chinese restaurant, he seems to have got himself involved in something quite serious.It all goes back some years to when Dr F Allgoode moved into Beddesyde Manor, in E. Rexion, Wilts.. It seems that the doctor had made some miraculous discovery for a weight loss programme, branded as Dr F Allgoode's Magic Fat Bullets. They were even shaped like bullets, which apparently was all in the marketing plan. You take one of the big ones in the morning and one of the smaller ones at night to suppress your appetite and make weight loss a breeze.
All the users had to do was replace one or two meals a day and the 'magic' formula of highly secret exotic herbs and minerals would do the rest. While being careful to stop short of offering guarantees, Dr Allgoode did assure that the results even in the first two weeks would be astonishing.
Dimitri has been working with Dr F Allgoode almost from the outset and by dint of organising campaign after campaign in the press, online and getting television and radio appearances to talk about the miracle of MFB, a thriving international business has been built up.
The problems came when a veterinary surgeon witnessed a friend about to take their 'breakfast' and recognised it for what it was. Apparently the larger MFBs were suppositories to treat constipation in dogs, with the smaller ones being the feline equivalent. He likened their action to that of foaming cavity wall insulation, which when inserted in the appropriate orifice would force anything in its way to evacuate. However, when swallowed, the pressure didn't find such an easy release and would leave uncomfortable, bloated feeling for some hours.
Dr Allgoode hasn't been available to comment, in fact, just plain hasn't been available since this flag was raised. Dimitri has been left holding the baby so to speak and what with the ASA, the GMC, the HSE all after his hide, as well as a string of personal claimants attibuting everything from a hernia to chicken pox on the use of this bogus slimming aid, he is going to have his work cut out to get away with this one. Get More Information or copy the link to this article.
2022-08-12 - The History of E Rexion
To give a little local background, a local village has been focus of some public attention around here.
East Rexion nestles on the Wiltshire/Gloucestershire border just west of the river Poti, the source of which is just a few miles north east in the glorious Cotswolds. Local residents are proud of the area history, which can be traced back directly to the Norman Conquest.
Originally, the parcel of land was granted by William the Conqueror himself to General the Grand Duke T. Ravel d'Rexions as a mark of gratitude. The Grand Duke was chief cartographer and Master of ordnance for the invading forces. As a renowned scholar, the Grand Duke was charged with guiding the French invading army from Hastings to London, where William was to be crowned as king of these islands.
On reaching Hadrian's wall, the invading army was finally repulsed, being unable to fight thanks to a range of stomach upsets that were later put down to being plied with food by locals, pretending to be sympathisers, while force-feeding the soldiers deep fried Mars bars and battered butter. They say an army marches on its stomach, but in this case marching became running thanks to their French digestive systems' reaction to local delicacies.
Of course, Scotland wasn't in the list of places to visit that had been given to T. Ravel d'Rexions. However, what he hadn't got round to telling the recruitment Sergeant was that he was actually a failed scholar in the matter of Geography, being unable to read even the simplest map. His simple plan to overcome this from Hastings was to turn his back to the sea and keep going. He managed to march the army south from that minor reversal and after many days of forced marching they stopped. On arrival just outside the town now known as Swindon, General d'Rexions proudly announced that they had arrived in London.
Filled with gratitude, William granted in perpetuity all that could be seen from the point where they stood. From that day on, it would be known as La Ville d'Rexion. The army then departed to claim the capital, leaving General d'Rexions to establish his presence in the area. That is how, for a period of two weeks, until the mistake came to light, Swindon became the capital of England.
Meanwhile the General started to build a settlement, marrying a local girl who bore him two sons, Didier Rexion and Hugo Rexion who quickly grew to be fine young men, inheriting all the skills of their father. All good things must end though and eventually the brothers fell out, rumour has it, over the favours of a beautiful English maiden. The village became polarised by the conflict and was eventually divided into two, East and West Rexion, separated by the convenient barrier of the river Poti. Possibly as a tribute to their father, East Rexion lay to the west of the river.
Eventually, W Rexion was subsumed into the Borough of Swindon, leaving E. Rexion standing proud and independent. We are proud that there are still residents in the area who can trace their ancestry back to the original founders of the Wiltshire village that still bears most of their family name.
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2022-07-02 - New, High Profile Business in the Craft Units
When Lavinia Soper married Algernon Roper at the church of St. Olav the Ignominious last year, it was the conjunction of two of the brightest stars in the local social firmament. It seemed only natural that with their absolutely equal levels of charm and social grace, they should become Mr & Mrs Soper-Roper.
Leaving the church, the couple seemed blissfully happy, not even noticing that Rosemary Notweed, whose hand has now recovered, blasted out Abba's Super Trooper on the church organ, later explaining that she had mis-read the happy couple's name and mistaken it for a music request.
In fact, it seems that the only person who did notice was the Reverend Ivor Parrish, appallingvicarbastard of the Farkhams who, having conducted the service in his characteristic, dreary monotone, seemingly cultivated to drain the happiness out of the occasion, became unusually animated. His face turned a livid puce colour and it looked for a moment as though the bulging veins in his neck would burst his dog collar. Such a reaction hasn't been seen since Harry 'The Hosepipe' Hotchkiss, local Fire Service hero, had disobeyed his dictate of no kissing of the bride at the end of the wedding. But I digress.
All of us here at the Hall were delighted when the Soper-Ropers decided to base their business in one of the craft units in the converted stable block. "Magnificent Balls" is the name they trade under, organising period costume balls for corporate events, charities and family celebrations. It is a splendid service offering a choice of eras from the rebellious '60s through the graceful, elegant 1930s with black tie and flowing gowns, all the way to the opulent atmosphere of 18th century Vienna, with all points in between.
They provide costumes, musicians in suitable atire and even professional dance teachers if necessary to help encourage the wallflowers to grace the dance floor with their presence.
Naturally, Dimitri in his capacity of VPL (Varkov Publicity Limited) was engaged to set up marketing and promotional requirements including logo, slogan, market analysis and introducdtions to local businessmen and charities. You can see the result of his efforts in the logo opposite, and the slogan "Events taht Really Stand Out".
Naturally, a number of slogans were rejected before arriving at the chosen one. Some were specific like "Hold our Balls for Charity", "Give Your Family One of Our Balls", "Reward Your Star Teams by Holding Our Balls" or "Show Your Clients You Care with Magnificent Balls. Some were more general such as "You Can't Lick Magnificent Balls", "Fill Your Halls with Magnificent Balls" or "Magnificent Balls can Satisfy the Most Demanding Events Organisers". Sometimes I do wonder about how Dimitri manages to come up with such crackers in his second language.
He did, however drop a bit of a clanger on the business cards, taking the isntruction verbally, the first print proudly displayed their shortened names "Presented by Algae and Lavvy Soper-Roper". All was well after a hasty reprint.
It is great to see such high profile businesses taking space in our Craft Units, more news of which anon. Don't forget to keep your organisation out front, you need Magnificent Balls!